Baba
The deceased & grieving
Namaskar,
This letter addresses – in a universal manner – key points for helping those grieving or suffering the loss of any kind. Here we shall review Baba’s teachings on this important matter and understand our Ananda Marga perspective.
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List of dos & don'ts
First is a brief review of techniques to properly serve those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Here is a summary listing of the main points:
- The
greatest harm a person can do under these circumstances is to disregard
the grieving family. There is no excuse for never going over to their
house or meeting place to console them. Such apathy is unconscionable.
One should show up. That in itself is a sign of support. Not going means
not caring. So it is important to arrive on-site and stay for some
time. If you are very close to the grieving family you may stay with
them a few days; if you are less close then you may stay an hour or two.
The main thing is to recognise their loss by being present, for at
least a little while.
- Upon
arrival if you see that the mourning family is crying, first simply sit
down, and, if socially appropriate, place a comforting hand on their
shoulder, otherwise your presence alone is enough.
- Allow them to cry; never tell them ‘not to cry’.
- Gently try to divert their mind away from their loss.
- Do not talk about or praise the deceased and do not give a philosophical sermon on how one day we all die and that this world is ephemeral.
Don’t allow crying visitors near
- This is the worst time to speak about the deceased because it multiplies the pain of their loss.
- Do
offer water or other sentient beverages – in a very psychological way –
to the family members of the deceased to divert their mind and break
the cycle of their grief.
- Be sure to remain with the grieving family members; do not leave them alone. They need support and your company.
- Do
maintain mental stability in the presence of those in mourning; don’t
allow emotional, grief-stricken visitors to burst out in tears near the
grieving family.
- If
anyone coming to console the bereaved family is crying, they should be
stopped at the door and not allowed near the family. Only when that
visitor stops crying should they be allowed to enter.
- At
an appropriate moment, when their grieving has subsided, try to divert
everyone’s attention towards collective spiritual practice. Slowly start
to sing Prabhat Samgiita and kiirtan, and conduct a dharmacakra
including a Baba story. This is all to be done at the residence or place
where the grieving family is mourning.
At the time of cremation
In due course, the body of the deceased should be brought to the cremation grounds. In Ananda Marga, the system is to carry the body silently; one should not talk or raise the slogan while carrying the body for cremation. Upon arrival at the site, bhajans, kiirtan, and collective ishvara pranidhan should be done; then the actual cremation can be performed. Those are Baba’s guidelines from the chapter, Disposal of the Dead Body, in Caryacarya part 1.
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Special Note: When doing spiritual practices like kiirtana, sadhana, and guru puja, one must not focus on the dead body. The deceased must not be placed front and center and become the focal point during those spiritual duties.
It is also important to remember that during the cremation people tend to (a) speak about the glory of the deceased, (b) tell the grieving family members not to cry, and (3) give philosophical reasoning or lectures about the nature of this ephemeral world. All three of these things should be strictly avoided. Baba guides us that we should not behave in this way on the occasion of the cremation. Because it will intensify and exacerbate the suffering of those mourners.
Specifically, regarding those who are crying, we can hold them as a sign of our emotional support; but, we should not tell them not to cry.
Remember, regardless of how difficult and sad the situation is, collective bhajan, kiirtan, and sadhana is the only way to approach this whole issue in a very psychological way. Doing dharmacakra will help calm and soothe everyone’s mind and bring comfort to those in mourning.
Dogma: putting fire in the mouth
In India, it is common to place the fire in the mouth of the dead body. Those who work at the burning grounds often do this. So be careful about this as this is not a respectful approach. It is important to educate those who will be burning the body.
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Caryacarya states, “As the practice of putting fire into the mouth of the dead body is repulsive, it should not be encouraged.” (1)
Those in Tibet often chop the body into pieces and then grind it up and leave it in the wild for the animals to eat. This is also a disrespectful and grotesque approach.
Best is for the body to be burned in a sentient and respectful manner according to our Ananda Marga system.
After the actual cremation, announce when the shraddha ceremony will be held. It can be done the very next day or anytime within the allotted 12-day period according to Caryacarya.
Very common mistakes
It is very common around the globe for people to talk about the greatness of the deceased when speaking with the grieving family. People naively think that this is the proper thing to do.
Yet, Baba guides us that this is the worst approach to take as it intensifies the suffering of those mourners. Already they are in woe due to the loss of their loved one, and by speaking about the deceased’s special qualities and attributions, the family is further reminded of the severity of their loss. It makes them feel even more pained. Indeed, if they had stopped crying but are then again reminded of the merits of their loved one, those in mourning will begin sobbing all over again. The entire cycle of tears and misery will be repeated.
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So this approach of praising the deceased in front of the family at this particular time is not appropriate, according to Baba. Yet this is what we see happening time and time again. A friend or family member arrives from afar and they glorify the deceased and the fragile mental state of the mourners is set back into a whirlpool of misery.
Conclusion
The approach of Ananda Marga is completely different from the accepted customs; our approach is unique. Baba guides us to psychologically and lovingly divert the person’s mind from the pain of their loss to the thought of the Supreme. This is the only remedy.
As disciples of Lord Shrii Shrii Anandamurtiji, we should follow His order; He is the Sadguru. By adhering to His direction and guideline, we will best be able to relieve others of their suffering, by His grace.
Namaskar,
in Him,
Madhumay Deva
Teaching Baba’s above guidelines to the grieving family at the time of death is not appropriate. This has to be done ahead of time. That is when people can learn and understand what to do as they are in a balanced state of mind. Then, when tragedy strikes, those in mourning and those consoling the mourners will act in the right way - according to Guru’s teachings. In contrast, if at the time of death, some try to guide others and protest local rituals and norms etc when everyone is grief stricken, that often does more harm than good - and makes the entire atmosphere negative. That is why the only solution is to educate people ahead of time about Baba’s teachings about consoling the grieving party; this should not be done at the moment when a loved one dies and everyone is in a state of grief.
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~ In-depth study ~
Sadguru Baba’s teachings explained in the above letter are very appropriate to use in the case of the death of loved ones, as well as in tragedies wherein so many are suffering as their loved ones died. In those times, one should know how to psychically help those in grief. This letter leads in that direction. So this letter is equally relevant for both family life and social life etc. Those who wish to serve in this way should communicate with local funeral homes and help the bereaved family.
English title is wrong in Caryacarya
Unfortunately, someone mistranslated chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1. They titled it as “Disposal of the Dead Body.” But this is wrong and inappropriate. In the Hindi and Bengali editions, that chapter is titled as Shava Satka’r, meaning ‘reverence for the lifeless body.’ This projects an air of respect and sanctity. But those publishers failed to give it a comparatively respectful title in English. Instead they called it “Disposal of the Dead Body”, as if one is just getting rid of some trash, rubbish, or garbage etc. Steps should be taken to properly title chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1.
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References
1. Caryacarya - 1, chapter 31
* * *
The below sections are entirely different topics, unrelated to the above material.
They stand on their own as points of interest.
* * *
== Section: Important Teaching ==
Tragic tale of Queen Elizabeth
Ananda Marga philosophy states, "England’s Henry the Eighth was an unruly king. Once he came to Paris with the queen. In Paris many kinds of covetable drinks were available, thus when they were in Paris his desire for drink naturally increased. One day, while under the influence of liquor, he beat the queen so mercilessly that one of her legs became practically crippled. For several days she was obliged to drag it behind her as she walked. When the time came they returned to London (In those days they did not call it London but rather Londre in the aristocratic French language). The residents of the city fell head over heels in the nooks and crannies of the royal residence trying to see whether or not the king and queen had brought back any new fashions from Paris. They saw [Queen] Elizabeth dragging her leg and thought perhaps that this kind of walk was some kind of ultra-modern French style. Women have one great quality; they can easily imitate others. Thus it happened that within three to four days most of the women in the aristocratic households were dragging their leg behind them when they walked and taking a lot of pride in it. It is not written in the histories whether they ever discovered what the real story was behind the queen dragging her leg when she walked. Elizabeth’s style of walking while dragging her leg was called the “Elizabethan gait”." (1)
Reference
1. Varna Vijiana, Language and Dialect – 2
== Section: Important Teaching ==
Sadhana: How to request God
Here following is an English summary or gist of the below Hindi teaching:
The first stage is getting over the small 'I'. After getting above the small 'I' to some extent, in the second stage, humans should fight against their mental defects. For example, if one is afflicted by some kind of superiority complex, or inferiority complex, one has to combat that. Some may be afflicted with attachment (moha). So, all these mental defects one is to fight against in the second stage. Humans may possess some will power to fight against these defects but that alone is not enough. One needs to constantly make endeavor to overcome the mental defects. This requires additional strength or power. This power comes from Parama Purusa's grace alone. Sa'dhana' does not provide us with anything. All Sa'dhana' does is facilitate the grace of Parama Purusa. So, one is to ask for the power to fight against his/her mental defects from Parama Purusa. One should earnestly say, "Parama Purusa, I would like to march towards You but I do not have strength in my knees. Please provide me energy and I'll walk towards You.”
चलने की शक्ति ठेहुना में है नहीं | तुम मुझे शक्ति दो
Ananda Marga ideology guides us, “और, दूसरा स्तर यह है कि जब मनुष्य आपने छोटापन के ऊपर कुछ हद तक उठे हैं, किन्तु उसके बाद जो दूसरा स्तर आएगा उसमें उन्हें क्या करना है ? उनमें जो मानसिक त्रुटियाँ हैं, ख़ामियाँ हैं उनके विरुद्ध उन्हें लड़ाई करनी है | मनुष्य में वह शक्ति कुछ हद तक तो अवश्य ही रहती है | मगर उस शक्ति से पूरा काम नहीं हो सकता है | और यह काम को पूरा करने के लिए उन्हें अधिक से अधिक प्रयास जारी रखना है | इसके लिए और अधिक शक्ति की भी ज़रूरत है | यह शक्ति कहाँ से पाएँगे ? पाएँगे परमपुरुष से ही | पहले कहा गया है कि मनुष्य साधना करते हैं, मगर साधना की बदौलत कुछ पाते नहीं है | पाते हैं परमपुरुष की मेहरबानी की बदौलत, उन्हीं की कृपा से पाते हैं | इसलिए यह काम करने के लिए, परमपुरुष से शक्ति माँगनी है, क़ुव्वत माँगनी है | कहना है--- "परमपुरुष ! मैं तुम्हारी ओर चलना चाहता हूँ | मगर चलने की शक्ति ठेहुना में है नहीं | तुम मुझे शक्ति दो, मैं चलूँगा" |” (1)
Reference
1. The Path Unto The Abode of Beatitude, DMC 31 May 1987 Ananda Nagar
== Section: Comment ==
Re: Is samaj groupism
Namaskar,
Maybe it can be conveyed that samaj socio economic units can be analogous to cells in the human body All cells work with one another to make healthy all organs to function properly in a healthy human body. Also if in a human family one single member loses their way and is not disciplined, that family as a whole is weakened and its very existence is threatened. So all remaining family members must run to the aid and rectification of that undisciplined family member. Similarly samaj socio economic units must work together in dynamic harmony for one healthy spiritually progressive world....and in the distant future our world can eventually contribute to the dynamism and spiritual advancement of The Universe...A Great Universe.
In BABA
govinda
Here is a link to the initial letter on this topic: Is samaj groupism
== Section 2: Links ==
