Baba
Supporting grieving party
Namaskar,
This letter is exclusively directed toward those undergoing any terrible life calamity, especially helping those grieving the loss of a loved one. Baba’s main ethic is that, in a psychological way, people’s minds should be goaded away from their sorrow. Those in mourning should not be forced to suffer unnecessarily.
In His discourse, Baba gives us so many practical guidelines for how to help a grieving family. Acknowledgement of their sorrow and diverting the mind upwards are two of the key elements of His guideline. Now let’s take a look at this in greater detail.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Empathize with the mourning family
Once the death is honourably acknowledged in a timely manner, efforts should be made to goad the grieving family and friends toward more peaceful thoughts. They should not think again and again about the loss of their loved one. Here is Baba’s unique and distinct guideline:
1A) Upon arrival if you see that the mourning family is crying, first simply sit down, and, if socially appropriate, place a comforting hand on their shoulder, otherwise your presence alone is enough, and let them cry. Don’t tell them not to cry; allow them to cry. This gives tremendous emotional support. The grieving person(s) will think that, “This person sitting with me here is my close relation.” They will feel comforted by your presence. Do not think that they feel that you are bothering them.
1B) Remember, the very act of coming and sitting quietly by the mourning family helps divert their mind from their suffering and sorrow. Naturally, they will look towards you and that looking itself is a diversion. So your presence brings relief. And when more visitors and well-wishers arrive on-site that then brings greater benefit and respite to the grieving family. Because each time those in mourning will look to see who has come and that shifts their mind away from the pain and agony of their loss. That is why it is so important for a maximum number of people to go and sit with the family.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Offer condolences but do not praise the deceased
2) After crying for some time, they may begin to look towards you. At that point, express your heartfelt sympathy for the grieving family. If you were crying earlier, you can say, “I was also crying when I heard the news”; otherwise, you can offer, “I am very sorry for your loss”, or any other words that are socially appropriate and express your inner feeling about this sad occasion. Above all, do not start praising the greatness of the deceased. That is the worst thing to do as that accentuates the mourning family’s loss. Best is to simply express your pain about this loss. This is the rational approach.
3) You may add, “Why should one not cry; crying is normal after such a loss. The only reason I stopped crying is because I thought that if I continued to cry then you would cry more.”
4) Up until this point, the grieving person was crying; then you sat near them and they looked towards you and cried more. When their tears subsided you started talking with them. This act of engaging them in conversation diverted their mind from their loss. Their mind became involved in thinking about something else. Thus, so far you have successfully helped draw their mind in a different direction and thereby relieve them of their suffering – to some degree.
5) At this time if the person is still crying profusely, quietly look at them in an empathetic way. This will help reassure them.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Offer water to ease suffering - diverts mind from their pain
6) You should ask another friend – who is not crying – to bring a glass of water. Keep the water near you. After some time, when the grieving individual looks toward you, gently extend your hand holding the glass of water and say, “Please have some water – it is important to drink something.”
7) They may say, “I am not going to drink – I am not thirsty.” And that is okay, because by replying to your offer their mind is diverted from their sorrow. So if they look towards the water or acknowledge your offer in some manner, that shifts their focus away from their grief. It breaks the cycle of crying and despair. So this approach is very important.
And here are further ways to engage them in having something to drink - as the overall aim is to divert their mind and help them experience some release and reprieve from their sadness.
8) So if they choose not to drink, in that case, wait a while. Then after some time, politely offer, “Your throat must be getting dry because of your crying. You do need not to drink a lot but at least put a little water in your mouth.”
9) If still they are declining your offer of water, then gently say, “Here, I will just place the glass in your hand – just take one little sip.” Then certainly they will take one sip. (Note: You can also offer fruit juice, lemon water, tea or any other sentient beverage.)
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
10) If in fact the family member takes a sip, it means their mind was at least temporarily diverted from their grieving. That breaks the cycle of thinking about their loss.
11) Remember, Baba guides us that the goal is that the next person’s mind should be compassionately redirected from thinking about the deceased. That is the aim.
12) We should also keep in mind that the baseline approach and psychology is a constant. The aim is to divert the mind of those grieving family members to relieve them of their suffering. This approach given by Baba is based on universal human psychology. It is applicable to all.
At the same time we must use our viveka and look at each case independently. Although the goal is the same, the particulars may vary according to time, space, and person. For instance, in a very cold country we may not offer cold water but perhaps a sentient hot drink, and vice versa in hot climates. And if a family is not economically well-off we must be sure not to burden them financially. So we should supply beverages in those cases etc.
Thus we must always consider the geography and climatic conditions, the financial situation of the family, and traditions of that region etc. Then we can employ the most psychological and suitable choices for how to divert their mind. Then we will best be able to help the mourning family.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
How to handle crying visitors
13A) One important point to remember: Be sure to station someone outside the front of the house to watch for visitors. They should stand at an adequate distance so crying visitors will not be audible to the grieving family. No visitor should cry in front of the mourning family. If a visitor starts crying, then the family members will cry more.
So tell every visitor, off-site, that the doctor has forbidden anyone from crying in front of the family. Even if a visitor wants to cry, they should not cry when consoling the family. Rather that visitor be taken elsewhere and consoled at a separate location. Those visiting and consoling the grieving family should not burst out into tears uncontrollably. That will only worsen the pain of those close people in mourning.
Those around the family should be in a balanced and stable state of mind. If someone needs to cry then they should excuse themselves from that environment. They should not start sobbing in front of the mourning family members. This is also one key point.
13B) In some places, visitors come and indulge in fake crying. They think by forcing themselves and putting on a show of crying, then it demonstrates to the mourning family how much they care. They think that by fake crying they are showing everyone how sympathetic they are and enhancing their own prestige. But this is all very bad. It is just dogma. Fake crying should never be encouraged nor supported. Such persons do not cry when they are off-site. They are not really upset. Just they cry in front of others as some sort of public display. This type of superficial ploy should never be given scope of expression as it just worsens the situation on all fronts.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Why crying visitors or well-wishers should be led away
14A) At the same time, if a member of the grieving family bursts into tears, they should be consoled and supported. The worst is to start telling the grieving family that crying is not good for their health. If you tell them not to cry, they will feel irritated towards you, thinking you do not understand their loss. So best is to allow them to cry because telling them not to cry will only make them more uncomfortable and distressed.
14B) The whole aim here is to gently goad the mind of the grieving family away from their suffering. To this end, we follow a natural pattern of diverting their mind so they do not feel so burdened by their loss. Along these lines, it is very helpful if visitors can behave in a composed way in front of those family members. Of course, some visitors may also feel overwhelmed by the loss and they may wish to cry. And they should be allowed to cry, however they should not cry uncontrollably in front of the grieving family members. Those visitors overcome with emotion should be gently led away to a separate room or brought outside where they may freely cry. That way the family in mourning will not be adversely affected.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Avoid philosophical talks
15) Here is another key pitfall to avoid. One should not start giving big philosophical lectures.
Do not say: “This world is changing and whoever takes birth, one day they are going to die – everyone dies at some point – so there is no need to cry.”
One should never give this type of lecture. It is irritating to the grieving party and they will only cry more. In addition, they will feel offended by your words. So do not speak philosophically about the nature of this ephemeral world. That is not good. One must know that such type of preaching is extremely unpsychological.
That is why one should follow Baba’s aforesaid guideline – that is psychological and sentient.
Warning: do not sing glories of the deceased
16) Remember this warning: Do not remind the grieving family about the deceased person’s star qualities, attributions, dedication and greatness. Do not remind them how that person always sacrificed for others’ welfare. That will only redirect the mourning family toward their loss. This type of praise and eulogy should be avoided. It is wrong to do so on this occasion, regardless of how much one is tempted to praise the deceased. It will only intensify the agony and pain of the grieving family, and they will cry more.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
17) No one should mistakenly think that by this approach we do not care about the deceased person. Here the goal is not to eliminate the memory of the deceased; this is not our way in Ananda Marga. We know well that the mourning family is not ever going to forget their loved one. The approach we are taking here – diverting the mind away from their loss – is only a temporary measure during this very delicate and sensitive period immediately after the time of death. When this loss is such a raw and painful wound for the surviving family members, best is for them to have their mind diverted away from this painful memory. It is not good for them to constantly think about the loss of their loved one, as that worsens their grief.
Only PS & sadhana should be done, not Guru puja
18) When all the above approaches have been taken and everyone has become calm, request someone to start singing Prabhat samgiita etc. Be sure to arrange everyone so they sit facing the pratiik and not the deceased. With the singing of Prabhat Samgiita, naturally the family members will also sit and listen. In that way their mind will be diverted towards the sweet chanting of Prabhat Samgiita, kiirtan and they will feel more calm. Here the aim is to channelise the flow in a devotional way. Although this is a challenging circumstance to organize a dharmacakra with Prabhat Samgiita and a Baba story, this is the only rational approach to be done to alleviate the pain of the loss and mental agony. There is no other way.
They should be sure to sit facing the pratiika - and not sit encircling the deceased. And only Prabhat Samgiita and sadhana should be done, not Guru puja.
Ananda Marga samaja shastra says, “Before cremation or burial of the dead body, collective Iishvara Prańidhána should be performed.” (1)
Again, only Prabhat Samgiita and sadhana should be done, not Guru puja.
19) After the dharmacakra is complete and over, ensure someone tells a spiritual story (not a story about the deceased but rather about Parama Purusa), does a reading, or leads svadhyaya.
Conclusion
Here are key points to bear in mind:
1. Don’t tell the mourning family not to cry; allow them to cry
2. Look at them in an empathetic way.
3. Bring a glass of water.
4. Compassionately redirect them from thinking about the deceased.
5. No visitor should cry in front of the mourning family.
6. One should not start giving big philosophical lectures.
7. Do not remind the grieving family about the deceased person’s star qualities.
8. Request someone to start singing bhajans.
Namaskar,
In Him,
Murlidhar Deva
This letter addresses – in a universal manner – key points for helping those grieving or suffering a drastic loss of any kind. Here above we review Baba’s teachings on this important matter and understand our Ananda Marga way of mourning.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Worshiping the dead?
It is against Caryacarya to do Guru puja at the shraddha ceremony.
Ananda Marga samaja shastra says, “Before cremation or burial of the dead body, collective Iishvara Prańidhána should be performed.” (2)
At such death ceremonies, only iishvara pranidhan should be done, not Guru puja. Furthermore, iishvara pranidhana is done not circling the body but in a little bit away and facing a different direction. Otherwise it is against the sanctity of Marga Guru and contrary to Caryacarya part 1. Best is to perform Guru puja facing the pratik or photo, not facing the dead body.
For in-depth study read Ananda Vacanaratam-part 20, chapter 3 in its entirety.
http://anandamargauniversal.blogspot.com/
Guru Puja is done facing Guru - Guru Puja to the dead is very bad
See the deceased’s body along the left side of the above photo. As we all know Guru Puja should be performed facing Guru, not any dead person. So what is going on in the above photo is very bad as they are doing Guru Puja facing towards the deceased. More about this is in the note below after the signature.
English title is wrong in Caryacarya
Unfortunately someone mistranslated chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1. They titled it as “Disposal of the Dead Body.” But this is wrong and inappropriate. In the Hindi and Bengali editions, that chapter is titled as Shava Satka’r, meaning ‘reverence to lifeless body.’ This projects an air of respect and sanctity. But those publishers failed to give it a comparatively respectful title in English. Instead they called it “Disposal of the Dead Body”, as if one is just getting rid of some trash, rubbish, or garbage etc. Steps should be taken to properly title chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1.
References
1. Caryacarya -1, Disposal of the Dead Body,1956, Jamalpur
2. Caryacarya -1, Disposal of the Dead Body,1956, Jamalpur
The below sections are entirely different topics, unrelated to the above material.
They stand on their own as points of interest.
* * *
Recipe: break one bond & increase another
Ananda Marga philosophy states, "It is the sense of duty that causes one person to renounce everything; and it is the sense of duty that inspires another person to readily accept the burden of caring for his or her family. It is the sense of duty that makes a person great. Of all bonds, the bond of duty is the strongest, and the bond of moha [blind attachment or infatuation] is the worst. Humanity will have to break the bonds of moha and increase the bonds of duty willingly and consciously. This is the law." (1)
Reference
1. Namámi Krśńasundaram, Disc: 13
Short today & more sadhana tomorrow
Ananda Marga ideology states, "It has been said earlier that the grace of Parama Puruśa is only showered on devotees. His grace is all that matters. It is true that the people of knowledge (jiṋániis) and the people of action (karmiis) may labour harder, but it is the devotees (bhaktas) alone who attain Parama Puruśa. There are two major obstacles on the path of knowledge: lethargy and vanity. A vain person remains far away from Parama Puruśa. Of all the different types of lethargy, spiritual lethargy is the worst. Spiritual lethargy means not to sit for meditation regularly. Those with spiritual lethargy have time for all other actions, but for spiritual practice there seems to be no time. They say, “It's already late today – I'll do a short meditation right now, and devote more time to sádhaná tomorrow.” They sit attentively inside the cinema hall, but in dharma sádhaná they feel sleepy." (1)
Reference
1. Ananda Marga Ideology & Way of Life - 10, The Devotee and the Lord
जो हिम्मतवार लड़के हैं
“अधिक से अधिक revolutionary marriage करा लो | और जो हिम्मतवार लड़के हैं, वे, उनके guardian, उनके माता; वे लोग क्या करें ? जात-पाँत को लात से ख़त्म कर दो, चूर-चूर कर दो | एक दल, एक मज़बूत समाज बना लो | और हम लोगों को दुनिया के कोने-कोने में आनन्दमार्ग का पैगाम पहुँचा देना है | इसलिए अधिक से अधिक सङ्ख्या में whole timer worker की भी जरूरत है | कोई whole timer worker बनो | कोई revolutionary marriage करके समाज को मज़बूत बना दो |”
[यह प्रवचन-अंश, बाबा के कैसेट से सीधे लिखा गया है । बाबा का यह असली प्रवचन, अमृतोपदेश है। आनन्दमार्ग हिन्दी पुस्तकों में छपे प्रवचन तो नक़ली प्रवचन हैं, असली नहीं हैं -- बंगालीकरण (बँगलाइजेसन) के तहत उनकी बर्बादी की गई] (1)
Reference
1. PS Purport 1030 + WT Discourse – 2, 1/14/1984 Patna, Not Printed
Upcoming Festival: Ananda Purniima - Thurs, 23rd May
Recent postings
Unfortunately someone mistranslated chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1. They titled it as “Disposal of the Dead Body.” But this is wrong and inappropriate. In the Hindi and Bengali editions, that chapter is titled as Shava Satka’r, meaning ‘reverence to lifeless body.’ This projects an air of respect and sanctity. But those publishers failed to give it a comparatively respectful title in English. Instead they called it “Disposal of the Dead Body”, as if one is just getting rid of some trash, rubbish, or garbage etc. Steps should be taken to properly title chapter 31 of the English edition of Caryacarya part 1.
References
1. Caryacarya -1, Disposal of the Dead Body,1956, Jamalpur
2. Caryacarya -1, Disposal of the Dead Body,1956, Jamalpur
* * *
The below sections are entirely different topics, unrelated to the above material.
They stand on their own as points of interest.
* * *
== Section: Important Teaching ==
Recipe: break one bond & increase another
Ananda Marga philosophy states, "It is the sense of duty that causes one person to renounce everything; and it is the sense of duty that inspires another person to readily accept the burden of caring for his or her family. It is the sense of duty that makes a person great. Of all bonds, the bond of duty is the strongest, and the bond of moha [blind attachment or infatuation] is the worst. Humanity will have to break the bonds of moha and increase the bonds of duty willingly and consciously. This is the law." (1)
Reference
1. Namámi Krśńasundaram, Disc: 13
== Section: Important Teaching ==
Short today & more sadhana tomorrow
Ananda Marga ideology states, "It has been said earlier that the grace of Parama Puruśa is only showered on devotees. His grace is all that matters. It is true that the people of knowledge (jiṋániis) and the people of action (karmiis) may labour harder, but it is the devotees (bhaktas) alone who attain Parama Puruśa. There are two major obstacles on the path of knowledge: lethargy and vanity. A vain person remains far away from Parama Puruśa. Of all the different types of lethargy, spiritual lethargy is the worst. Spiritual lethargy means not to sit for meditation regularly. Those with spiritual lethargy have time for all other actions, but for spiritual practice there seems to be no time. They say, “It's already late today – I'll do a short meditation right now, and devote more time to sádhaná tomorrow.” They sit attentively inside the cinema hall, but in dharma sádhaná they feel sleepy." (1)
Reference
1. Ananda Marga Ideology & Way of Life - 10, The Devotee and the Lord
== Section: Hindi Quote ==
जो हिम्मतवार लड़के हैं
“अधिक से अधिक revolutionary marriage करा लो | और जो हिम्मतवार लड़के हैं, वे, उनके guardian, उनके माता; वे लोग क्या करें ? जात-पाँत को लात से ख़त्म कर दो, चूर-चूर कर दो | एक दल, एक मज़बूत समाज बना लो | और हम लोगों को दुनिया के कोने-कोने में आनन्दमार्ग का पैगाम पहुँचा देना है | इसलिए अधिक से अधिक सङ्ख्या में whole timer worker की भी जरूरत है | कोई whole timer worker बनो | कोई revolutionary marriage करके समाज को मज़बूत बना दो |”
[यह प्रवचन-अंश, बाबा के कैसेट से सीधे लिखा गया है । बाबा का यह असली प्रवचन, अमृतोपदेश है। आनन्दमार्ग हिन्दी पुस्तकों में छपे प्रवचन तो नक़ली प्रवचन हैं, असली नहीं हैं -- बंगालीकरण (बँगलाइजेसन) के तहत उनकी बर्बादी की गई] (1)
Reference
1. PS Purport 1030 + WT Discourse – 2, 1/14/1984 Patna, Not Printed
== Section 3: Links ==
Upcoming Festival: Ananda Purniima - Thurs, 23rd May
Recent postings
